When I used to live Iran, I spent much of my time with my grandmother. We often used to go watermelon shopping together. That woman spent half an hour tapping every single watermelon in sight and listening for the sound it made. Every single one got inspected carefully. It was amusing to watch and imitate as a 7 year old, but as I grew older I got sick of tapping and just wanted to go home with a reasonable watermelon. After months of dating, it’s not uncommon to have the ‘I just want a reasonable watermelon’ feeling. You just get sick of the tapping, prodding (not to be taken literally) and inspecting.
There are several key milestones to the watermelon/ online dating journey:
- As explained above, it starts with the tapping, prodding and inspection
- The next stage is crucial as you need to maintain a perfectly intact watermelon and be careful not to drop it or let it roll away. This bit mimics the talking stage before going on the actual date. At any time, this could change and you could be replaced. You can’t open up too much too soon either as they won’t be able to see it as this stage. Also, it completely goes against the watermelon analogy, as if you open a water melon in advance then the delicious red colour will probably become dull from the oxidation.
- The first cut is always the exciting bit, where you are so hoping that deep red colour – the closer is it the Louboutin red the better. This is the first date stage.
- The final stage is the eating process. I guess this would be the stage where you consider them good enough for a second date. It rarely happens (1/10 success rate in my case). Yes, my standards are high, but I guess it’s a matter of perspective, so I would argue your standards are just underground.
Mr Sweden of course flew through these stages. We arranged to meet on a Sunday, so on a Saturday while we were messaging I asked him for the plans (see text chain below).
He completely blanked the question. I didn’t bother asking again and got distracted by his compliments. Sunday comes and goes, but do I hear from Mr Sweden? Hell no. Infuriated. He better have been run over by a car. I ignore my current predicament and go on a second date with Mr Iran (soon to be uploaded). Monday, I receive the below on MONDAY.
I was disappointed he wasn’t run over to be honest, as it was an inadequate response. It followed by a request for forgiveness. I wasn’t in a forgiving mood and even if I were, forgiveness needs to be earned. This is not a charity! Furthermore, it takes a minute to cancel. He would have expended less time and energy in cancelling then trying to win me back. Either he was an idiot or he didn’t respect me enough to tell me on the day. Either way he is going to the dark void that is ignored Whatsapp messages. Farewell Mr Sweden! And as another bites the dust, Lady K picks up her head smartens her lipstick and moves on to the next lucky gentleman, whoever said dating is tough wasn’t lying.