Mr England take 2

The other A-listers started to sense a new presence on the block. Mr Germany noticed the proportion of time I was online on Whatsapp had increased, while the number of messages I responded to had dramatically decreased. He was doing that creepy Whatsapp spy game I hated. I couldn’t be bothered with him. After his trance (described at the end of the last blog) his ex- girlfriend stories piled up and suffocated the hell out of me. He was living in the past and I was in the present. Emotionally I become so drained by his shit that I had to leave Melody’s party early. Melody unhelpfully slipped my number to him and even with the temptation of Hakkasan as a first date, I just couldn’t risk another dreadful night of ex stories. That Black Truffle Roasted Duck must wait for me find better company. Entrez Monsieur Angleterre!


I became rather unwell the Hakassan weekend. Monsieur Angleterre cleared his entire schedule so he could throw his calculated digs at my snotty face on FaceTime for the entire weekend. After our 6 hour FaceTime marathon, he asked the inevitable. ‘Do you talk to others like this’? What the fuck did he expect me to say? You are the top 3 would not go down well. He was the jealous type. The truth was, I didn’t talk to anyone else for 6 hours at a time. I had a day job and many squats to do to build this great ass. I tried the truth. ‘No’. He pondered for a while as if there was more on his chest. ‘No because of me or no not yet?’ I knew where this was going. We got on so well, we both had great style and we would look bloody great together. He was circling his prey before the grab. He wanted a bloody relationship. My anti-predatory barriers were minimal around him. Somewhat ironic considering the rate of pheasants he shot down each week.


He was aiming at me with shot gun in hand. My first line of anti-predatory protection was up. This is avoiding detection through camouflaging. Through my initial ‘no’ response I was trying to hide from the fucking conversation. Fail. I go for Aposematism. Like the Granular Poison Frog (Oophaga granulifera), I displayed a large red sign to my predator to signify stop mother fucker, don’t come any closer!  ‘No, because we are fine for now’ was all he got from me. I firmly moved on, but I knew this was not the end of it. I didn’t need to add the ‘for now’, but he was pushing me hard and my mother taught me to punch back twice as hard. It was only right for me to crumble the ground underneath him and send him into self doubt.


2 thoughts on “Mr England take 2

  1. I’m confused…The blog is titled “Dating is tough” but you don’t seem to be having any trouble at all datin, quite the opposite actually.


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